Give Me A Brake!

After being almost run over while walking to lunch today with my friend Zoe, I was reminded of all the idiotic things people do on the road, either as pedestrians, drivers, or bikers. Here are my top five annoyances, in no particular order…

People who do not understand the “Do Not Block Intersection” rule
OK, this actually may qualify as my top aggravation of all time. Now as for me, I remember going through Driver’s Ed, even though at this point it was almost 10 years ago. And I distinctly remember some of the cardinal rules: (a) never cross a double-yellow line, (b) the pedestrian always has the right of way, and (c) NEVER enter an intersection unless you have room to get all the way across! So what the hell are these people thinking, when in rush hour traffic, they try to zoom through an intersection with a yellow light, only to get halfway across? Then they sit there, blocking multiple lanes of traffic from moving, while pretending not to notice the screeching horns and bumpers threatening to bash into them. I saw one woman sit blocking two lanes of traffic in the middle of an intersection at the corner of 5th and Mercer while she calmly applied mascara. Fucking oblivious retard. I wish they would enforce that $100 fine thing.

Bikers, in general
Of course, I am all for saving the environment, and reducing gasoline consumption is one way to go about it. I even feel like I am helping in my own small way by carpooling to work every morning, therefore cutting my usage of fossil fuels roughly in half. So I agree – biking to work is a great way to save the earth. HOWEVER, I do not feel that other drivers should have to pay the price by being forced to risk their own lives.

Bicyclists act like they own the road. Although they are incapable of obeying the speed limit, bikers insist on riding with the flow of traffic. They won’t move to the sidewalk, or even remotely toward the side of the lane, so cars are required to arc around them, creating a high likelihood for fender benders. Bicycles are also known to zig and zag up through the cars lined up at a stoplight, and unless careful attention is paid, drivers are likely to hit one as it darts across a lane as the light turns green. Bicyclists also seem to be of the opinion that even if a light is red, they are not required to stop, as long as there is no traffic coming from the other direction. However, if a motor vehicle crossed through a red-lighted intersection, that driver would be sure to get a ticket. All of this is total bullshit, in my opinion. If bicycles expect to reap the benefits of the open road, they should be required to obey ALL traffic laws, including the speed limit. If you can’t make it up to 35 mph, get on the damn sidewalk.

The drive-by pickup
Oh God, this one drives me completely insane. I can't count how many times I have been stopped at a light while desperately trying to ignore some idiot guy next to me who is waving his arms, honking his horn and smiling a cheesy smile, all in an attempt to get me to roll down my window so he can shout, “Hey hottie, what’s your number?” Are you kidding me? Is this guy high or something? Not only would I never give my phone number to a perfect stranger, but I especially wouldn’t give it to someone stalking me from another vehicle!

Last summer I was almost run off the road by some guy attempting to pick up on me. I almost had to call the police. Another time when I was in high school, a few girlfriends and I were driving down a main drag in my hometown. Much to my annoyance, the girls in the back had attracted the attention of a car full of boys in the lane to the right. No one but me noticed that we were pulling up to an intersection. Fortunately for me, our car was turning left, and the left-turn arrow was green. Unfortunately for the car full of guys staring and waving like mentally challenged children, the light in their lane was red. I couldn’t quite believe my eyes as their car smashed directly into a minivan stopped at the light. I will never forget the looks on those guy’s faces after the whiplash subsided. Since no one was hurt, we naturally couldn’t help but laugh hysterically.

Traveling to the Gorge this past weekend was an adventure in itself, as far as drive-by pickup attempts are concerned. We were hit on by everyone from cute guys in SUV’s also headed to the concert, hicks in pickup trucks with farmer tans, to rich boys in sports cars – and this last group of idiots actually had a sign made up with their phone number to hold against the window! The desperation was really quite sad. I don’t know what it will take guys to learn that you are NEVER going to pick someone up while driving your car. We're always going to ignore your sad attempts at 60-mile-per-hour communication. Unless of course we catch you picking your nose, and then count on us to point and laugh.

Tourists
OK, here we go. Does this category really even warrant an explanation? If you’re going to visit Seattle and don’t have a clue in hell how to navigate the roads of an inner city, take a freaking cab! Better yet, get on the Duck Tour so the locals have something else to point and laugh at.

Every night on my way home from work I have to deal with tourists, because I am forced to drive right smack dab through the middle of the Seattle Center, the mother ship of Seattle tourist destinations. And let me tell you, I’m about at my wits end. Tourists in their huge soccer mom Suburbans cross back and forth between lanes in the middle of gridlock traffic as if it’s no big deal. “I think we need to be in this lane.” “No, it’s the other lane.” “But the Space Needle is to our right.” “But the parking lots are to our left.” HONK! HONK! Get the eff out of my way, I have a JOB and I WORKED all day, I just want to get home! If you don’t know where you’re going, pull over and look at a map, don’t sit there blocking traffic trying to decide which lane you need to be in to get to Pike Place Market. Get the hell outta my way!

Cars parked in the “No Parking after 6 p.m.” lanes
OK really, there is nothing more aggravating than zooming along toward your destination, when BAM, you almost rear-end a parked car in the right-hand lane. These zones come out of nowhere, and no one seems to understand the rules. Lucky for me, the ones around The Seattle Times are fairly well policed, and if you choose to take advantage of the free street parking during the day, you better remember to move your car at 6, because at 6:01 it’s already being hooked up to the tow truck.

However, the rules don’t seem to be as strict in other parts of town, and I can’t tell you how many times one single car has jammed up traffic for several blocks, causing rush hour traffic to death-merge into a single lane in order to avoid a single car illegally parked in a “Move Your Car Before This Time” zone. Many people are so irritated by this fiasco that they will cross the double-yellow line and risk a head-on collision in their rush to swoop around the offending vehicle. Sometimes I feel like sideswiping one of them on purpose.

Miscellaneous Rants

• Cars that do not stop for pedestrians waiting at clearly marked crosswalks, just because there is no traffic light (for example, at the top of Queen Anne Avenue North).
• People who think that 35 miles per hour is an acceptable speed at which to merge onto the interstate.
• Cars that go only 60 miles per hour in the fast lane.
• People who don’t pull their car up to the furthest pump at the gas station.
• People who talk with hands-free devices in their car, and effectively just look insane, ranting to themselves while driving (actually, I find this kind of entertaining).
• People too busy talking on their cell phones to notice that the light has turned green (or that an ambulance is coming up behind them).
• Large SUV’s that park in the compact parking spaces.
  Motorcycles that zoom around you at 130 miles per hour on the freeway (this really freaks me out).
• People who zoom past a line of cars patiently waiting, and then try to nonchalantly merge into the line (come on, would you just cut in line like that if you were say, at a bank?)
• Cabs that think they can just stop and hang out in the middle of traffic, waiting for the old lady in the back to count out exact change.
• And last but not least: Dirty, rude, inconsiderate people who have the audacity to throw trash out of their car windows.

Someone help me, I think I am developing a case of serious road rage.