Fair Warning: If you’re sick of hearing about my breakup, DON’T read this blog. I warned you guys that I would use this site to vent, and since I recognize the fact that my friends are sick and tired of me moping and complaining about the situation, I am going to do it here. One more time.It’s been one year. 365 days. Forever. It seemed to go by in a second. It’s funny how vividly I can remember that first kiss. And I can literally still feel his last kiss on my cheek… the last time that I saw him. His little lie to me that everything would be different now, that everything would be better. God I was naive.
I’m sick of trying to figure him out. Analyzing what happened over and over again. Guessing what I could have done differently, what I did wrong. Why can’t I just accept the fact that I did nothing wrong, and that maybe I just wasn’t it for him? Because it hurts too much to be rejected, I guess.
I hate that everything still reminds me of him. I hate that I can’t force myself to remove him from my life. I feel like I never got the closure I deserved, and so I can’t move on. I can’t put away the magnets that he made, the pen he gave me. I can’t take his razor out of my medicine cabinet, can’t throw away his toothbrush. I stare at the bracelet he lent me, still sitting on my nightstand, even though I can’t bear to wear it. The photos are the hardest. I don’t know why I torture myself by looking at them, why I can’t take them down off the fridge. I should really try to follow Carrie Bradshaw’s advice: “Destroy all pictures taken of you together where he looks sexy, and you look happy.”
It’s been exactly two weeks since I last heard from him, exactly one year since all of this started. And at this point it’s time to admit it’s totally over. I’m going to force myself to move on if it kills me. Because I can’t sit around anymore waiting for something that I never even had in the first place. It’s time to admit that if he wanted to call me, he would have. It hurts, but it’s the truth.
I guess I will do the most logical thing I can think of: Listen carefully to the last message he sent me. “Just chill and have fun. Be safe.”
OK. Here I go…
17 comments:
I'm so sorry Sarah... I wish you didn't have to be going through this. I have to tell you though, I think you really have to get rid of all the pictures and the stuff he gave to you, ASAP. Please let me know if you'd like me to come over and help with the ritual cleansing. Lord knows I've done enough of them.
BURN IT ALL!!! Have a fucking weenie roast over the evil flames! Cook those weenies until they are black and crispy inside and out!
Trace, your love of evil and death never ceases to amaze me. LOL ;-P
Hey Lady... I'm glad to see you are venting. Its the most positive way of accepting and letting go. But I agreed with Trace... have a bonfire, some beer, and bid farewell. Dont just close the book, burn it.
Sarah, you know something. You are a beautiful, smart, and fun woman and if he can't or any guy for that matter see this, it's their loss. I know you will find the right guy just give it time. I know its been a year since you have been together but sometime when you are hurt especially after it has been strung out for so long that it takes time to get over it and heal. I dont mind you venting sometimes you just need to. I love you Sarah and I here for you even though we live thousands of miles apart. Love you, Jamie
Regarding this situation, this is the closest to sanity you've come yet.
Thanks James... I can't wait to come and visit you, talk about a really good distraction from all the stuff that's going on in my life, huh? I'm buying my ticket next week! Yay! Luv you too! =)
I LOVE ex-burning rituals! We should hold one and burn everything!!! I swear to god It really does help...You know what you should do (If you haven't already)? You should make a list of all of the things that he ever did that hurt or disappointed you and read them everytime you start to get sad. It's easier to be pissed off than it is to be hurt...And chances are when you stop being so hurt, you'll realize you had plenty of reasons to be pissed off. I wish you the best of luck with this..Getting your heartbroken is so hard. I know you'll get through it! Don't ever feel bad about venting. It's your right and true friends will never stop being your shoulder to cry on.
I'm actually totally against burning. I don't burn memories and I don't burn bridges. We should all be thankful to those who got us to where we are today, even if they can't take us any further in life. And so you move on without them and grow in different ways. Savor this moment of infliction from Paolo. It's a rare thing.
Don't listen to Paolo! Blah, blah, blah...that's what everyone always says. It's time to break out the gasoline, torch, and fuckin weenies baby!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a time and a place for everything, and now is not the time to "savor this moment of infliction". I think you've "savored" it enough. Believe me, I know b/c I see you every day, and I see how miserable you are.
Well, it's all good advice, and I appreciate all of it... You guys are fabulous, I'm lucky to have such great friends. =)
More than anything right now, I need distractions... so let's kick it!! Call me.
Burn it baby burn it! Burn it to the effin' ground.
He's such a loser. One day he will wake up and look in the mirror and staring back at him will be a lonely, old, fat, balding, shriveled up excuse of a soul. And he'll wonder whatever happened to Sarah. And you know what? You'll be living happily ever after with your TRUE soul mate. Hang in there.
Tee hee. I wish Chuck could read all of this.
Ha! At this point you guys are just checking my blog to read each other's comments, LOL. =)
I seriously question Trizzle's intentions here. I think she's actually a pyro and is just taking advantage of your situation to find object to burn.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Trace, I think he's got you there! =)
okay burning stuff is really fun for real.. haha.. i had a fireplace in one of my apartments and i burned EVERYTHING in it.. it was great.. i've done it many times.. when i left the last guy.. well the last serious guy, i just LEFT everything there. its sooo much harder when you have pics to look at. . it sucks thinking you are just wiping all of it out, but later, when you find your TRUE love.. you will not even want to remember it.. and the good times you do remember will just be a happy memory then.. not a heartbreaking one.. i'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this stupid man!!!! i love ya! enjoy bein single!!!
Brooke
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