Sometimes I feel like I'm a relationship alcoholic. I get drunk and project irrational fears onto the people I care about most. I blame others for my own unhappiness. I self-sabotage healthy relationships so I can prove to myself that good guys do not exist. I make excuses for the reasons people want to be with me, instead of accepting the fact that maybe they really like me. I push people away to maintain control of situations. I am two extremes, whether I am drunk or sober: fun to be around but emotionally unavailable, or hysterical, irrational and mean. I really shouldn’t even be allowed out in public. When I drink, I most often wake up the next morning feeling humiliated. I am a crazy person. Somebody check me in.
If my boyfriend never speaks to me again, I really wouldn’t blame him. I honestly don’t deserve to be with someone like him if this is the way I’m going to behave. When I’m with him under normal circumstances, I am able to keep all my irrational fears of inevitably getting hurt to myself. But when I drink, everything I’ve been holding back rushes to the surface, and the liquid courage takes over. I cry. Threaten to walk home. Tell him that he only wants me for sex. That he should just stop seeing me sooner than later because it will hurt me less. But I don’t want him to walk away. I want him to want me. And when I’m sober, every move he makes would lead to the conclusion that he does like me, does want to be with me. So why is my drunken self so determined to prove him wrong?
I’m trying to identify the point in my life where things changed. I have been in bad relationships that had nothing to do with me. But at some point, my reaction to those experiences has apparently caused me to begin purposefully ruining healthy relationships. Why? I don’t want to be alone. But whenever someone touches me I push them away. Give them valid reasons to stop seeing me. And then, with an aching heart, I tell myself, “See? Guys will do nothing but hurt you.” It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy.
7.13.07 Update
I've received so much great advice and support from my friends, I really love you guys so much! And all this just because I am an emotional drunk! Today a friend was kind enough to forward me an article from MSN.com about letting go of the hurt of past relationships, healing and forgiving, and moving forward. The article states that, “Blaming someone else for your pain is a downward-spiraling cycle,” -- I completely agree, and somehow I have to get myself out of this downward spiral. Check it out for yourself, it's good advice to anyone.
10 comments:
We should talk, have food... something. Sarah, I'm not completely agreeing with the alcoholic statement, but I dated an alcoholoic and I do have to tell you alot of her fears and irrational behavior did stem from the bottle. I care, we all do, and I'm sure Stewart does as well. Sometimes it takes a big bang to knock reality loose... and you see what you've been hiding all along.
Oh the lighter side... you sound alot like Meredith. ;)
Don't be afraid of how you feel. I have been to your point and let it out, cry and write. Everything is enhanced with booze, emotions are heightened and it's just liquid courage at times. Don't be afraid to face your fears and talking about them with others. know one has the right to judge you. Come over for some dinner and meet our new puppy, everything's better with puppies.
i think saying that you're an alcoholic is over dramatic, and a pretty serious statement to make in your blog without joking... i'd hate for everyone to start unnecessarily worrying about you when i think the problem lies in a little more than you just got drunk on a boat.
I would hope that the way I wrote it as if I was introducing myself at an AA meeting would clue people in that I'm not actually concerned with alcoholism. But just in case - TO BE CLEAR - I do not think I have a drinking problem. I do think I have a problem communicating in relationships, and facing certain irrational fears. Because I don't deal with these things or talk about them under normal circumstances, they manifest themselves in unhealthy ways when I am drinking. And that's the problem.
i was a little worried. it sounded like shannon was telling you how to come clean about being an alcoholic...
i think you're great and too hard on yourself. you were just drunk. stewart will come around. then hopefully you guys can have a sober, mature conversation about the direction you're going. dum DUM, dum dum.
that's always the sticky part of dating someone casually/for fun. it always eventually gets serious.
That is a scary conversation... especially with a guy who claims he has never had a "girlfriend" before. But it's obvious we need to talk things out sober so next time I actually decide to drink around him, my fears about the relationship won't get the better of me.
Shannon and Jenny, thank you so much for your concern and kind words, you are such good friends. Back on the subject of food, I really would like to get together... perhaps a double date with me and Je at Cactus next week?
That sounds wonderful, I'll run it by Shanon. Can we do it Tues?? I work two job Mon and then have dinner plans, and Wed I start house sitting, so if we can pull Tues WE would LOVE to see you girls over some butternut squash enchilatas (sp)!!!!
Wow - did you write this blog or did some sober male friend of yours send you an angry email? And is Stewart the only reason you're suddenly examining this aspect of yourself?
I don't know if it's necessarily him, I am just starting to identify a negative behavior pattern that I need to fix. And unfortunately, he has been the recipient of my latest and greatest irrational behavior. =(
Hey.... I wasn't implying Sarah should come out of the closet and go to AA. I even said I didn't agree with the statement. But I did say that there were similarities in behavior that obviously come with drinking onesself into a stupor. Anyways... hopefully we can get together for some time at Cactus or at our place? It'd be great to see you ladies.
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