Fake & Bake

I hate being ripped off. Almost as much as I hate feeling pressured.

Here’s the story…

So, a few weeks ago I came up with the brilliant idea that one of the reasons I am so depressed about my body is because I am so pale. Really, I look one of those people who live in some remote corner of the world where the sun only comes out for four hours each day and the temperature never reaches above 7 degrees Fahrenheit. Someone at work the other day even laughed at how pale my feet looked in my new sandals. Sad.

Anyway, Desert Sun Tanning Salon recently opened in Upper Queen Anne. I’m sure every resident of Seattle is aware, because the company has been shamelessly mailing out coupons and fliers for about three months. So since the tanning bed at my gym is kinda skanky, and because Desert Sun is only a block from my house, I decided to check it out.

Wow. Walking into this place is AMAZING! It’s so clean and bright! And it smells like a tropical beach! Nothing like some of the gross tanning places I have been to over the years. But I immediately cringed as I looked at the five 100-pound girls clustered, giggling, around the counter. Fabulous. Their bleached teeth and hair flashed at me as they all screeched, “Hello, welcome to Desert Sun!!” in perfect unison. You’re got to be kidding me. Gag.

However, I let one of the bronzed bombshells take me on a tour of the salon, and I have to admit it was pretty impressive. I began to express interest in some of the products. BIG mistake. Once I got back up to the front to sign up for a package, Little Miss Fake ‘n’ Bake really went for the jugular. She started by offering me a package that was over $300!! For five tans! You’ve got to be effing kidding me! I don’t give a shit what this so-called tanning expert says, I DO NOT believe that just three times in a special tanning bed will make me look like I’ve spent a month in the Caribbean.

Man this girl was tough though. She went on and on about the benefits of the different beds, but I wasn’t going to be sucked in. I ended up buying 30 “conventional” tans for about $55 – not a bad deal, really. And I can use them over any period of time that I want, instead of cramming them all into one month and speeding up my inevitable skin cancer by a few years. Then she busted out the tanning lotions. She would have had me sold too, had they been at any sort of reasonable price. But $60 for a medium-sized bottle of lotion?! What sort of insane person would pay for that?! Not me. Wow. Tanning Girl’s attitude really changed when not only did I not buy her incredibly expensive deluxe tanning package, but turned down her specialty lotion as well. Her smile disappeared as she tapped my order into the computer with her acrylic nails in obvious annoyance. God, I wonder how much commission these girls get paid…

Now, not only was I semi-annoyed with these pushy fake bitches in the first place, but at this point I am thoroughly enraged. Last weekend I walked up to Desert Sun in the middle of the afternoon. The place was virtually empty, with only one customer at the counter. Considering they have about 20 beds, I figured it would be no problem to get in. Nope. Apparently, “no conventional beds were open at that time,” but of course, girl at counter would be HAPPY to upgrade me to a specialty bed for only $22! I began to catch on. But not wanting to judge too quickly, I politely said no, that I would come back at another time and just use the tans that I had already paid for. Wow. That perky little smile turned into a sneer quicker than I could imagine. Whatever.

Tonight after work I braved the Desert again. And again – empty lobby, but “no conventional beds were open,” was the report, along with a huge fake smile and offer of an upgrade. But when I requested an appointment for the following evening to ensure that I could finally get in and utilize what I paid for, boy did those shining rays turn to burning daggers quickly. With an annoyed sigh and a flip of her hair, Blondie wrote down my name and turned away. Apparently, I no longer deserved the signature sing-song, “Have a nice day!!”

God I’m irritated. I think I have every right to take advantage of what I paid for, without being made to feel guilty. Trying to tan at Desert Sun is worse than trying to shop at a store where the employees get paid straight commission. I hate pressure, and these fake and bake chicks have been trained to lay it on, let me tell you. So if you get one of those “$9.99 Unlimited Tans For One Month” coupons in the mail, use it, by all means. It’s a great deal. But just be prepared for the Fake ‘n’ Bake Robots. They’ll either wear you down to the point of maxing out your credit card or else make you feel like a cheap bastard. Seriously.

You’re been fairly warned.