The Ex Factor

OK seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I always allow myself to get sucked into bad situations – specifically having to do with men.

It’s no secret that I have been incredibly lonely lately. To the point that I am considering getting a roommate just so I have someone to talk to besides my cat when I get home from work every night. I’ve had absolutely no luck meeting anyone worth dating, and it’s getting to the point that I’m afraid I’m going to be single forever… Yes, I idolize Sex & the City, but I don’t want to actually still be single in my *gasp* mid-thirties!
So, two weekends ago when my ex-boyfriend called me and said he would be in town visiting from Reno, and asked if he could stay at my apartment, I thought “what the hell?” Even though we’ve been broken up for almost two years and I know with absolute certainty that I don’t want to be with him, I figured it couldn’t hurt anything. We had had such a great time during his last visit; we’ve finally gotten to a point where friendship is feasible. (It took me a while to get over the fact that he broke up with me over the telephone after more than two years together… just so he could “sleep with more women” before he “settled down”).

Anyway, we ended up having a really great time. Went out with friends on Friday night in Fremont and went out to dinner on Saturday. On Sunday we even cooked dinner together at my apartment and watched a movie. Super couple-y I know, but it was sort of the itch I had been needing to scratch. I really liked how non-romantic everything was… just like two old friends spending the weekend together. We laughed, joked and reminisced. Funny how you fall so quickly back into old patterns.

Anyway, after he left for Reno on Monday morning, I was feeling really good about the situation. I finally felt like I was the one in control, I was the one calling the shots. I always hated the fact that he had broken up with me for no reason, with no excuses, and with no notice whatsoever that things hadn’t been going just fine. I’ve been a little bitter about that, understandably. So I’m not going to lie that it felt somewhat satisfying that on Friday night he told Jeanna that he wants to get back together with me, and had been thinking about it for quite some time. Come on you guys, you know that when a person gets dumped, it is pretty much their fantasy that someday the dumper will come back around begging forgiveness, and by that time the dumpee will be long gone and over it, preferably happy with someone else.

So… fast forward to this weekend. Jeanna, Kristen and I, for lack of a better option, headed down to Belltown. Talking to Kristen, I was shocked to find out that my ex was in town again. I found it funny that he hadn’t even bothered to call at all, since he had been so insistent on spending the entire weekend with me the last time he visited Seattle. Furthermore, another friend informed me that he had also been trying to get back together with another ex girlfriend, whom he was with after we broke up. Interesting. Not only that, but since he had been in town he had already taken another girl home to screw. Classy. I felt strangely devastated.

Why? I can’t honestly explain it to you. I felt like a jealous girlfriend. No matter that I know for certain that I never want to be with this guy again. But for some reason I feel some sort of claim over him or something. I know it’s selfish, but I wanted him to want me, even if the feelings weren’t reciprocated on my part. What is my problem?!? I guess I just once again feel used. I guess in the back of my head I thought I was the one using him for the companionship I have been missing. I guess I was wrong, and once again I let myself get screwed over by a guy. And now I feel far more lonely than I did in the first place. I can’t believe I put myself in this position.
It will never happen again.